So after a total breakdown last week (hey, they happen!) I’m once again on the upswing of this roller coaster ride. Still, as always, missing Mark, but feeling thankful for every precious moment I’m given. See, the thing is, I’ve always been a thankful person. Mark and I would always talk about how lucky we were, roof over our heads, healthy kids, food on our table, etc. But if it’s possible, I appreciate everything even MORE now. Because unfortunately, I know how quickly it can all be taken away. One day you are sitting on the couch talking, the next morning there’s a police officer in that same room telling you your husband is dead. To say life has changed is an understatement. I am living a completely different life. So I guess it’s no surprise that I may seem like a completely different person. Because in a lot of ways I am. Not only is my day to day different, but my core, who I am, is different. The way I think is different. Because my whole understanding of the world has changed. Before Mark died, I never really thought anything bad could ever happen to me. Okay, more than bad, devastating, life-altering… and now that it has, I fear that it can happen again. So I don’t talk about doing… I do. Because Mark and I talked about “doing” a lot of things that we never ended up doing because he’s gone. I am not big on making far-out future plans now, because it seems scary. Not that I don’t have any, still have plans to see Europe one of these days… and of course saving for college, etc. But the year, 5 year, 10 year plans are just sort of floating out there… I don’t think about what it might be like because I’ve done that before, and it is painful when that gets erased.
I realize this is just rambling… no point here, just getting one more post in before the big Thanksgiving holiday. Which brings me back to where I started… being thankful. This holiday I am thankful for my parents. Without them I would not be able to survive. They help me with the kids, they help me emotionally when I am sad, they frickin built a house next door to make this transition to a new life easier. My mom helps with homework and my dad plays football at the bus stop. I am thankful for my sister S and her 2 kids who are an extension of my family. She is always there to talk and help me reflect in ways that are sometimes uncomfortable. She is also there to have a drink with and take vacations with and act goofy with. Her kids are basically a big brother and sister to my kids and their love gives comfort to us. I am thankful for my sister S and her husband B and their 3 kids. She told me when Mark died that my kids were her kids now, and she has helped so much with driving, picking up, watching them so I could take one to the doctor. And my brother-in-law has been an amazing support to them, doing “boy stuff” with the boys and always helping out whenever I ask. And of course coaching B at baseball! And the kids are E & B’s best friends. The girls make up dances and my teenage niece watches the kids for me. And B & V don’t even know they are cousins, they are just best friends. On top of that, I have some pretty amazing friends (you know who you are) who still
“check in” on me occasionally. I’m looking forward to a social life again after the holidays 🙂
So Happy Thanksgiving!! If you are reading this blog, I am thankful for you. You have continued to support me and continued to talk about Mark, which is such a huge comfort. As always we will miss Mark this Thanksgiving, but very slowly the memories are shifting from making us sad to making us happy… hopefully it will continue through this holiday season.