So it’s been a while… many months in fact, since I last visited this page.  Sometimes I have thoughts of writing on here, but then as usual, life gets in the way.  A kid needs a ride somewhere, there’s a load of laundry waiting to be folded, or maybe I’d rather just veg out in front of the tv for a while instead.  Today is Easter Sunday.  We are not religious people, but we do celebrate by spending time with family and searching for eggs.  Last night as E was taking FOREVER to fall asleep, I had this overwhelming feeling of just wishing Mark was here.  It’s been so long since I’ve had “help” on these kid holidays.  Most of the time it doesn’t bother me.  In all honesty, I would have been doing most of it myself anyway.  But last night I was just wishing that Mark could be here… to fill some eggs, hide them, even come up with cool things to fill their baskets.  It’s ALL on me, all the time.  And last night I just really wanted a break.  And I couldn’t have one.

I have also been struggling with my little guy S wanting me to be at EVERYTHING with him.  “Can grandpa take you?”… “no, I want you there.”  I try really hard to spread myself evenly among the 3 kiddos.  But I HAVE to miss some of their things some of the time.  There’s only 1 of me and 3 of them!  He did let his uncle take him to his baseball practice, but then I have the mommy guilt.  I’m hoping as the season goes on, with 3 active schedules he will get used to other people taking him to things at times.  Next week the craziness begins with one full-time travel, one part-time travel and one competitive dancer!  Let the chaos begin!

So another holiday has come and gone… while we’re used to Mark not being here now, for me it is never easier having him not be here for all of this.  I always reflect on just how different the kids are since he died.  They are totally different people.  And I know he would love the people they have become.  They each have their own little part of him in them.  E is so “la-di-da”… never in a rush (this is a good and bad thing!).  B has that natural athletic ability that clearly did not come from me. And S is a total goofball who always wants to be the center of attention.  While some of these qualities drive me crazy, they always bring a little bit of happiness knowing that Mark is still here through them.

Happy Easter to anyone out there still reading this.  I hope you were able to spend some time with those you love today… I know I did 🙂


One thought on “Pondering

  1. I think of Mark so often and the time I spent with him at Memorial. He loves you and the kids so much. He’s always ask me advice about the ways I raised my boys and what good tips I could share. I cabt imagine your pain and loss. You don’t know me well but please know i read your words and keep you all in my prayers and Mark in my heart!

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