and here it is again…

I wish that I could ignore tomorrow… pretend it is just any other day like pretty much everyone I know will do.  With the passing of every day, month, year, you would think that this day wouldn’t loom so much on the horizon.  And while it is definitely true that my thoughts are not consumed by Mark in the same way they used to be, he’s always there, especially in the dreaded month of November.  I HATE that this month sucks for our family.  HATE it.  Because it’s the month that I became a mother… my beautiful baby girl was born in November.  I try SO hard to make it special for her because I know she recognizes the difficulty that comes with November.

And so here it is… tomorrow it will be 4 years from the time my life changed forever.  To some that may sound dramatic, but that is what happened.  I could never accurately put into words just how Mark’s death impacted me and our family.  E said something to me the other night about how it’s different for me (meaning her losing a dad vs. me losing a husband) which is totally true.  But she followed up with “you can get another husband” as if somehow it is possible to just switch out Mark for someone new.  A replacement.  And if/when I ever find another love in this lifetime, he will not replace Mark.  Because nobody could ever push him out of the space he is still occupying in my heart.

I wish people could know the impact they have on others while they are here on Earth.  Mark and I grew into adulthood together.  We shaped one another.  And even with him gone, I know that he is still there, like that little angel/devil sitting on my shoulder: warning me, guiding me, loving me.  It is no replacement for the real deal… God, what I wouldn’t give to have him back.  To have my old life back.  The one where my kids had a dad, where we didn’t have conversations about “dying on purpose” and wondering how to tell new friends about your dad’s death.  Mark’s death has had ripples that will continue for the rest. of. ours. lives.

So four years ago I thought I was waking up to just another morning… just like I will do tomorrow morning, and have done just about every other morning of my ENTIRE LIFE.  Except that morning was anything but “just another morning”… and that perspective, understanding just how precious “just another morning” is… appreciating every little bit of joy because I have seen the very bottom of despair… is the one good thing I am able to walk away with after life dealt me a devastating blow.  CHOOSING to see the good; deciding to find joy again.

If anyone is still out there, reading this, I’d love to hear some Mark stories.  As the years (God, years) pass, people talk less and less about Mark.  Hearing that people still think of him and remember his goofiness with love brings me such joy.  As always, prayers are appreciated… we are knee deep in what I refer to as “hell week” and knowing others are rooting for us brings some comfort. ❤


7 thoughts on “and here it is again…

  1. We are all still here with you Jodie. I still think about Mark all the time and I sometimes will tell stories to some of my friends here in California about us growing up together. I know they don’t know who I’m talking about or the significance of the stories but I enjoy remembering him. He was one of the best friends I ever had a such an interesting character. Over the weekend I was listening to some of the songs that Mark and I wrote and recorded over the years. Some of the themes of the songs were so stupid or raunchy that I couldn’t help but laugh and reminisce. Love ya, Jodie and love the kids.

  2. Mark is still very much a part of our D146 thoughts. There is not a tech training/presentation that occurs that we don’t think about Mark and often share a “Remember when Mark showed us….”. “Will it Blend?” YouTube videos, goofy websites, random shoutouts as he connected to WiFi as we drove to Western. Whatever silliness it was, it always calmed our nerves before a presentation and reminded us to find the fun in what we were doing.
    Thoughts and prayers to all.

  3. I totally get your feelings and wish I knew Mark to tell you some funny memories. November is a bad month for me too (and Dec and Jan) and this year his birthday falls on Thanksgiving. 5 years later and it isn’t really easier. I’ll be thinking about you and knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way. Hugs.

  4. My favorite memories of Mark: skipping in front of my house after his run, talking about “hip checking the old ladies at the tp track, and posting pix of dad’s salads on Facebook. We miss him everyday but one thing we know is that our lives are so much richer and fulfilled living next to you and the kids. Thank you for allowing us to help you through this struggle. We love you so much.

  5. Jodie- I think of you and your family often. I dont know how you manage to write so eloquently when it is so hard to even find the basic words to express how sorry I am. You are all in my prayers, especially this week.

    I remember going to a few of your fourth of July parties and how fun they were. I always remember how you and Mark had such a great marriage and always supported eachother. And I remember how he used to insist that I was pronouncing my own name wrong and that it should be pronounced Karine. He was the only person I knew who told me that. Anyway just a small memory.
    Sending you love!

  6. Jodie,

    Even though I am, unfortunately, not at Memorial anymore, I still consider myself a part of the Memorial family. Mark was a mentor to me in so many ways my first year of teaching, and even after, just being a part of the 5th grade team with him. Today, I wore the shirt we made that says, “Forever in our hearts…Memorial Family.” They were made for the walk we went on the morning after. I texted Julie the other day to see if we were walking this year or just going out for drinks to honor his memory. I still think about him when I have technology issues or when something is irking me. He would just tell me, “Don’t worry about it. Go home early and relax.” He always encouraged me to go home. In fact, the night before he passed, he didn’t stop by my room like he normally does, and I missed his gentle nudge for me to stop working and go home. I may not have been as close to Mark as some others at Memorial due to not knowing him as long, but he has had a profound impact on who I am as a teacher and how I deal with my own mental health. I pray for you and the kids on every holiday, and just on random days when I am thinking of him a lot. I wish you all nothing but the best.

    Courtney (Krzywon) Rozovics

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