I still miss Mark.  Every.  Single.  Day.  Lately I’ve been thinking about him a lot.  I started watching “This Is Us” (I know, I am way behind on this bandwagon) and after seeing the MANY posts on facebook about people crying at every episode, I expected to be emotional.  Prior to Mark’s death I was a crier.  Since, it takes a LOT for me to cry.  It truly feels like my heart is frozen sometimes.  I don’t feel anything.  And THAT makes me sad.  I think maybe since I had this traumatic experience, everything else by comparison is really not that bad.  Either way, I am no longer a crier.

So I guess I wasn’t too surprised that after 16 episodes I hadn’t shed one tear.  Hadn’t even FELT like crying.  Sure, there were some sad things, but overall, nothing.  Then yesterday I got to episode 17.  Okay, feeling something.  Dad dies.  There it is.  Part of it was relating to my own situation, but the other part was the relationships with the husband and wife.  I could remember so much of how it was to be married.  And be in love.  And I was so sad knowing I don’t have that anymore.  And bottom line: I miss Mark.  I wish he was here.  Nothing new about that, but sometimes it just hits with such a yearning it is painful.  Even after almost 3 1/2 years.

So as I will the tears to go back into my eyeballs before I ruin my make-up for work today, it is just another reminder that no matter how much time has passed, I will always miss Mark.  And wish and wonder.


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