Yeah, that hasn’t changed. It still comes in waves, crashing down on me when I least expect it. I recently became a leader for a local widowed social group. We meet twice a month and just connect with other people who “get it.” Because of a small glitch, our most recent meeting was not posted and so I figured it would be just me. So as I’m sitting at the Panera reading my book, this man and his 11 or 12 year old son come sit at the table right next to me. They are loud so I can’t help but notice them. And as I’m sitting there watching them joke around and laugh I am overcome with sadness. It hits me that my boys will NEVER have that. They will never get to go out with just their dad and act goofy. Oh God that hurts. To my very core. I hate knowing that my kids will one day be adults and say “I grew up without a dad.”
And it’s moments like that I wonder if I am doing the right thing by just being me. Maybe I need to put more effort into meeting someone new. Believe me, I SO miss the companionship that comes with being in a relationship. But most of the time I am so busy and overwhelmed it gets pushed to the bottom of the list. I want someone for myself but I also know that if that special person comes along, they may provide something for my kids that I can’t. And then I get mad. Mad that I have to be in this position in the first place. Life was great, pretty much perfect really, and now it’s not at all how I’d imagined. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful, blah blah blah. But the truth is, I miss my old life. I miss Mark and our family. I miss waking up with a feeling of peace and comfort. I miss having my other half, the person I could count on for anything. I miss his smile and his laugh and the way that he loved me. I hate that the kids and I are experiencing this life without him here by our sides.
So yeah, another day has gone by… one more without him here. While most days it’s okay, today it just sucks.