Sorry, but sometimes I just gotta say it. Mark’s death just totally sucks. There are so many things about it… ripples that will never stop in this ocean of grief. Last night ‘S’ told me he misses daddy. I know him having this “dad’s night” this week has him thinking more about Mark. He asks me “when can I go to counseling and see daddy?” Um, what?! I respond, “no honey, you can go to counseling to TALK about daddy but you don’t get to see him because he died.” He moves on quickly to something else about counseling, but I am left with another puncture to my heart. Even after all this time he thinks he might get to see him again. If only that were possible.
This followed by some messaging with a friend who is getting married this year. It didn’t dawn on me until she gave me some details that I would be going to a wedding!! Without Mark, or a date. A wedding. Oh boy, here come the tears. Clearly it’s an emotional day. Can I go to a wedding without breaking down? The thought is definitely concerning. But of course I want to be there.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but it’s one of those days. Thankfully they are less and less and I guess it wouldn’t be life if losing someone you love didn’t hurt.
So another month has passed… January came and went, and with it my son ‘B’ turned 8. Another birthday without Mark… more memories made as a family of four. I had a moment last month when I was pulling into the garage. It felt like I was in a dream. This isn’t my house, this isn’t my life. I still feel I could so easily go back to the way it was. Sure there are great things about the life I have now, but it’s not the way I pictured it would be. And it isn’t what I planned. I don’t let myself think too often about the fact that my kids are growing up without a dad and how that may impact them, because it is simply just too painful. I know they are all different because of it, but I wish they weren’t.
The other day ‘S’ came home with a form for Kindergarten Dad’s night (it is seriously called this)… I can’t believe that we are the only ones without a “dad” in their lives. In their defense, it did say “bring your dad or special guy”… but it’s tough getting these forms. He asked his uncle, who is more than happy to go with him. And just last night, he was asking when it was, and was calling it the “dad’s night”… then promptly said “but my daddy can’t go because he died.” Talk about breaking your heart. He just says it to matter of fact. He was only 3 when Mark died; it is so painful that he doesn’t really remember him.
Even the other night, my daughter ‘E’ (who is now 10) said “I don’t really remember daddy.” Sometimes it just feels like he is fading… and I try so hard to bring him back. But at the same time, we HAVE to move forward. We don’t get to live a life with him in it, so we have to figure out a way to balance remembering and moving forward. Sometimes it is harder than others. I’ve just missed him so much lately. I know that won’t ever change. Even with that, I am still very much looking forward to the day I can meet someone new, to bring some love back to my life. I was so lucky for so long to have someone like Mark love me and I hope and pray I am lucky enough for it to happen again.