Thankful

Today I am feeling thankful.  It was a crazy busy day.  Straight from work I needed to go to the eye doctor to get S’s glasses fixed (thank goodness I got the warranty!) and have them adjust E’s glasses.  Since we were in a crunch, I took the kids out to dinner (something we don’t do often).  We really needed to get some groceries and I didn’t want to go there hungry.  The kids were hopped up on blue raspberry slushies and the grocery store experience was less than ideal.  So much so that on the way home I decided the consequence for the bad behavior would be straight to bed for the boys (this was about an hour earlier than normal bedtime).  E had dance and I had laundry.  There were tears and lots of “you’re so mean”… like LOTS of it.  But I stuck to my guns and they eventually went to sleep (and even said “I love you” before bed)…

All that to say, that even with my somewhat crappy, annoying day, I am still thankful.  I miss Mark more than ever but I AM HERE.  And I am so happy to have the hugs and kisses and heck, even the kung fu fighting in the middle of the super target.  Because this is my life, the good, the bad and the ugly.  I have a job, I have a house, I have food on the table.  I have three healthy children and awesome parents and sisters.  And even though I don’t have Mark anymore, I have so much because of him.  Not only the kids (obviously) but the person I am is because of him… all of it.  Who I was before and who I am now.  I so wish he could be here for the good and certainly for the bad (I would have gladly “tagged him in” tonight!)  But I must be doing something right because I said to the kids “it’s not easy being the fun mom and the mom who has to enforce the rules.”  They said “you are more fun.”  That is progress.

As exhausted  as I feel today, I am still able to recognize this feeling inside.  I accomplished something today.  A baby step in raising these kids on my own.  B did comment tonight that he wants a stepdad so I don’t have to be both.  Somedays I wish I had someone here too.  Taking that day by day and praying that Mark will help make that happen when it’s supposed to happen.  Until then, I am content being mom, enjoying every snuggle while they still want them.