And….. I’m back!

So it’s been a while… I unexpectedly got a great opportunity to cover a maternity leave in a HS guidance office and I couldn’t pass it up. To say it’s been an adjustment becoming a full-time working mom is an understatement. I am so thankful for this job and I am loving being back at work, but at the same time it has been a little overwhelming to manage it all. I am lucky that the hours for the job are AMAZING and I only need my parents to watch the kids for about an hour each day. I think it’s been really good for me and the pros far outweigh the cons. Anyways, on top of kids starting 4th, 2nd and Kindergarten, it’s been a busy, busy time around here.

So by 7:30 when the boys should be in bed, I am ready to start my “down” time. So when both boys walked in just as I sat on my bed I was a bit exasperated. ‘B’ says, “S was shaking the calming jar {which they made in counseling} and it made me think of daddy and now I miss daddy.” ‘S’ has also been talking about him more and more, asking more questions and starting to want to understand what happened. I knew this day would come, but I guess I thought I would be more prepared to deal with it. They ask me these heartbreaking questions, “can daddy come back, just for one day?” “when I think of sadness, I think of daddy.” “why don’t the people on the train have to go to jail?” This goes on for about 10 minutes before I feel it’s time to turn it around and get them settled before going back to bed. We tell a fun memory of daddy (‘S’ says, “I don’t remember playing at the park with daddy” once again breaking my heart) and I tell them I’m going to shower and they need to go to sleep.

So now, after a sob session in the shower, I am left here with a heavy heart. Wishing I could take away this pain and let them go back to being my little 5 and 7 year old boys who don’t know about people dying “on purpose.” Who don’t have to see their mom cry every time they talk about missing daddy. Because I miss him too. I know that in these moments if he could have seen this he would have reconsidered (or is that even possible in the irrational mind?) I guess the Mark I know would have. And that is what makes this so difficult.

So I could use some prayers tonight. For me and the kids. I just want them to know it is not their fault and that their daddy loves them. We could all use a little peace and comfort. Thanks.