I hate coming on here and being a Debbie Downer, but ya know what? This is MY blog and I’m gonna use it for what I need it for! I’m not sure why, but S had a rough night over the weekend, just crying a ton for daddy. “I want daddy to be here.” It just rips my heart out. This is no way for me to “fix” this. No way for me to make it better and take their pain away. And it KILLS me. I would do anything just to make this a little bit easier for them. But I know this is part of the process. If I want them to heal, then they WILL go through these hard times.
So today. What was it about today that made it a “bad day?” I honestly don’t know. Maybe it was the fact that I was running around like crazy all day, never remembering where I was headed because the schedule was so tight. Feeling overwhelmed because we had to eat dinner at 3:30 due to activities and that means the sink remained full of dirty dishes (I hate this!) and the basket of laundry remained unfolded (this has since been completed.) It is no easy task to run this household of 4 on my own. There are so many wheels spinning at once it’s hard to feel settled. I know there are so many people who make it possible to get through these crazy days, but as much as people help me, I will always feel like 100% responsibility of the kids falls on me. It’s exhausting trying to coordinate and ask, yet again, if people can help out. I wish there was a way I could somehow do it all myself. It is so hard to always have to depend on others.
It is days like this that I just WISH Mark was still here. These crazy days, when that other person is just as “in it” as you are and does it because, well, that’s what parents do. And the days I wish are the days that are hard. Because as much as I know it will never be the way I want it to be, it doesn’t stop me from wishing. That’s where I am today. And tomorrow I will go back to reality, pushing that wish deep deep down so I don’t have to feel the pain of knowing that wish will never be a reality.