So it’s been a while since I posted. Usually when that happens it’s either because I’m too busy or too sad. This time it’s both. It’s been a crazy few weeks around here (I don’t really know why, nothing that out of the ordinary). On top of it, we’ve had some hard days and nights with missing Mark and thinking a lot about him. It seems like if it hits one of us, it hits us all.
Anyways, we will keep barreling through like we always do. It can really get exhausting sometimes. When the kids are really upset is when I get really mad. They shouldn’t have to know about these things. They shouldn’t have to go to counseling and work through their feeling about their dad dying by suicide. I hurt for them. So deeply; I didn’t know this kind of pain existed. I wish more than anything else I could take their pain away. Help them be okay with not having a dad here anymore. Make them believe that they will be okay and we will be happy. I suppose this is how it will always be. Some days will be easier than others. I just miss Mark so much. We all do. I hate that I keep wishing he could come back, because I know he can’t and it just makes it harder. Could use some prayers, let me know we’ve got people on our side…
Crazy to believe it’s been one year and 3 months since Mark died. I look forward to the day when I don’t “count” these months anymore and the 15th of any month is just another day. I actually had a great day yesterday on Valentine’s Day. It’s wasn’t a holiday Mark and I really ever celebrated anyways, so it didn’t feel like much of a big deal. Would I have liked some flowers or chocolate covered strawberries, sure 🙂 Instead, the kids got my flowers and candy (equally as good!) I got a bunch of stuff done around the house. We then went to my niece’s birthday party followed but a girls’ night at my house. Even though we were all tired, after a little bit of wine and some Cards Against Humanity, I think we were all glad we decided to stay up those extra 2 hours 😉 Today the boys must have known I needed it and they BOTH slept until 7! It’s only 10:30am and all the chores for the day are already done (basement cleaned, beds made, dishes and laundry put away) so now we can just relax and enjoy the rest of our lazy Sunday.
Nothing profound today! Just feeling thankful for my amazing family and friends who are always there for me, not just in the times I really need them or when I’m feeling down, but during all the fun, great times too. And my kids who (for once!) didn’t complain even once when I asked them to put away laundry and do the dishes today. The sun is shining, kids are having a dance party in the living room and I feel something that could just be a little bit of joy in my heart. Life feels pretty good right now ❤
So the response to my last post was pretty incredible. People called me a hero. Said I was courageous and brave. All of these things make me feel like a fraud. I don’t think I am doing anything “incredible.” Do I think it’s amazing that something I am doing is helping others? Absolutely. But I get so uncomfortable when people say I am strong and brave when I often don’t feel anything near to that. I feel vulnerable and broken. I struggle and put on a brave face for everyone, especially my kids. I am terrified that I am making mistakes raising these kids by myself. I wonder if “putting it all out there” will somehow hurt me or them. It certainly opens me to judgement and that is a scary thing. I started this blog for me. It has taken on a life of its own and I am grateful. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering how people might perceive the things I post or how it might change their opinion of me. I suppose I have to trust that those who know me and care about me know my heart. And know that I am always trying to do what is best for my family. Each day gets a little easier. Some days I am actually happy. Other days it takes hard work. I know that no matter what happens, my kids know I love them (even if they don’t get their own iPads or they get a consequence). Just like every other parents, some days are a struggle and some days are just pure magic. ‘S’ had me up at 5:25am this morning and I just couldn’t go back to sleep. I kept thinking about Mark and just wished SO much that he could be here. In some ways the time passing makes it easier as I get more “used to” him not being here. But in so many other ways, it makes it harder because I KNOW he isn’t coming back and each day he’s gone I miss him a little bit more until it grows so big it hurts. I know I want my heart open to letting someone else in, but it is going to take a lot of time and patience on whoever that special person is.
So I will take some extra time to snuggle my babies tonight. And tell them, as I do every night, how much I love them and how much daddy loves them. I don’t know what it means to be brave or courageous, but I know that I will continue to work on healing myself so I can be strong for my kids in the hopes that one day it won’t be so hard.
So it’s been a rough couple of days. This “dating” idea has been put to the back burner. After looking around on these online websites I have little hope that is where I will find “Mr. Right” (if any of you have seen him, send him my way!) Kids have been sad. Missing daddy. Me too. It was so easy before and now it just feels so hard sometimes.
Anyways, seems I’m not the only one having a rough time lately… lots of friends are also struggling right now. It is hard to hear all this negativity. I hate to know that so many of us are struggling. But then, this:
A friend I had met MANY years ago on a baby board sent me this link with a simple “Thank you.” Lesson of the day: Never underestimate your impact on others. Be a giver. Say a kind word. This positivity goes a long way.