My baby is four. FOUR! I can’t even really believe it. Mark and I used to always talk about then the kids were 4,6 and 8 and how we were looking forward to it. No more “babies”… we could do more as a family without diapers, bottles, and wandering toddlers. And here it is. It would mean so much more with Mark here. Like most times, the days I expect to be difficult emotionally tend to be not as bad as I expect. Maybe because I’m “ready” for them to be tough. And then days I would never think would be hard can be awful. This is what happened yesterday.
‘S’ had just turned 3 a few months before Mark died. He was really little and didn’t understand fully what that meant (still really doesn’t). But as time passes, he is starting to understand that it means you don’t come back when you die. And most of the time he will say it totally matter of fact (‘yeah, daddy died.’ Or ‘Daddy’s not here because he died.’) So yesterday when he was getting cranky and I decided he should take a nap (late night celebrating his big day!) I was very surprised when he started crying for daddy. Like, a lot. It just broke my heart to hear it. I asked if he missed daddy, he just cried and nodded his little head. I snuggled him and told him daddy loves him and he eventually fell asleep. But I couldn’t stop crying. Seeing my kids hurting hurts me more than anything else.
Then ‘B’ and I had a heart to heart before bed. He still loves it when I tell him daddy loves him every night before bed (and will remind me if I forget). And ‘E’ is really struggling with the “why” because she has a better understanding of how it happened. Even last night she told me ‘what if they are wrong? what if he’s still alive?” When we were able to go see Mark’s body, I made the choice that the kids would not go. I wasn’t sure what he would look like because of how it happened. Turns out all injuries were internal and so I had my time for goodbye and closure. I am SO thankful I had that and do sometimes wish the kids had it too. But at the time (24 hours after it happened) it was definitely the right decision.
Anyways, all that to say yesterday was a pretty emotionally tough day. But today is a new day. And we woke up, got ready to go to camp, and sang and danced in the car on the way there. Every day is a choice. How I choose to act is modeling for my kids. And so I will face each new day with the decision to make it a wonderful day with much to be thankful for. I will always miss Mark… and some days will be harder to stick to that decision. But I am so lucky to have all that I do and I will continue to work hard to remember that.
PS… for those of you wondering… I am ALMOST to my 31 miracle goal!!! I am overwhelmed by the amount of support. People are good. Thank you for sharing my story or for placing an order! I am also opening up my fall calendar (beginning in September) for home parties! And if you are on my private facebook group, I will have a special for the first 10 days in August. Click here to join!